Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.
Lao Tzu
I am the past president of the Self-flagellation Society (SFS). Although you may not be aware of it, you too may be a member. For those of you foreign to this practice, it is extreme self-criticism; and as a Virgo, I am an expert, not to mention that I was born into an environment that reinforced my negative self-image. As an obese, spectacled, Latina, working-class immigrant girl, I had plenty of critics. My tops and elastic-wasted skirtsto accommodate for my expanding girth, were made by a mother that taught herself to sew, and with zigzagging bangs cut by the same hands and scissors used for sewing, made me a bully-magnet. At home, I was told my left eye was smaller than my right (I squinted because I needed classes) and that my waistline was uneven. If I got a A-, my father would question why didn’t I get an A; and, I think I mentioned that when I finished my Ph.D., he asked what I’d do next.
But I am not here to blame my parents, as I have been my fiercest critic. In elementary school, since I could not forgive myself for needing “models” for my drawings, I stopped drawing altogether. In junior high school, when I was in an accelerated (special progress) program, maintaining a passing average of 85, as anything below was failing, I compared myself to my friend Hilda, whom in my eyes got A’s without studying. I, on the other hand, had to study and did not get “A’s”. What was wrong with me? Of course, looking back now, I have no idea how much she studied; I just assumed that she didn’t.
In graduate school, everybody had it together but me. And, when I began teaching, I had a traffic cop on my shoulder monitoring every word I said, shouting epithets, like “I can’t believe you said that! That was so stupid.” Needless to say, my evaluations were horrific (e.g., “Dr. Z should not be allowed to teach” and “Clearly, she was hired because she is a minority”, since I spent most classes fighting assaults instead of teaching my students. Today, the voice occasionally comes out of retirement to chide me with, “You should be tenured, not to mention full-professor.” Or, “Look at you, all those years of education, and you can’t even get a full-time job.” And the other part of me cries, “But tenure could not give me what I needed—-self-love and spiritual freedom!” Then the sardonic voice strikes back, “Those lofty ideals don’t pay car repair and medical bills.” I meekly reply that, that is true, but I would have died in the process of getting tenure. Spiritually, and perhaps, physically, my heart would not have withstood the abusive tenure process, which mirrored the treatment I experienced living with a tyrannical old-world father. Besides, why should I allow anyone else to abuse me, when I do a far better job, myself?
But, I am turning a corner, now, and I have applied for membership to the Self-Compassion Society. Self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness, love, and acceptance. What a novel idea! Actually, it isn’t, Buddhists have been teaching this practice for thousands of years, but the West is only now beginning to see its value. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff shows that, people who accept their imperfections are less depressed and anxious, more optimistic, and happier. And, if that weren’t enough, self-compassion may even help you to lose weight. The reasoning is that, if you care about yourself, you will do what is right for you, which makes sense.
But, according to Dr. Neff, people fear that by being self-compassionate they are being self-indulgent. And, I have asked myself the same question. Have my life choices been motivated by self-compassion, even self-preservation? Or, have I been a slacker? In my heart of hearts, I know that I made the right choices for me, and that they came from a place of compassion, but there is always that lingering question. According to my Self-Compassion Scale, which you can take on the Self-compassion website, I am on the higher end of self-compassion, globally; but, individually, my self-judgment scores are also high, and lowering them is my life’s work, as it is for Dr. Neff. I am grateful that she is working on self-compassion, for me, for you, and for her, since her child, Rowan, has autism, and parents in this society tend to blame themselves for their children’s “imperfections.” Instead of beating herself up, she and her husband found a way to help him connect with the world—his world.
“I would have died in the process of getting tenure.” Yep! And I know it may sound harsh to say this: Thank God for your open heart surgery, as painstaking that whole process was, because you’re writing this blog that helps so many others to come to terms with their own joy, self-compassion and grief.
Yes, you are turning a corner, and deep inside you, you know where you’re going. Speaking of the words academic “cops” told you, yesterday I stopped somone on his tracks who was trying to give me
advice on an ongoing creative project. He started out by saying: “You did things the wrong way, you should have …” I replied: How about “Why don’t you take a new approach if you’re not happy with your results?” or “Have you considered X and Y as an alternative?” The latter open up my ears; the former closes them, I said.
Once again I thank you for your honesty and for sharing your feelings. Your truth rings truth to mine. 😉
I am so glad you are going easier with yourself! We all should. I appreciated Dr. Neff’s study. I will remind myself of these results often. Thankyou!
Thanks, Becky!